Med Update

Thought I'd let you all know how I'm doing. I'm doing ok.  That's the best way I can describe it right now.  Right now, is a day to day battle still on how I'm going to feel. The pain is going away, slowly. It gets a little better each day and each week when I do the Humira shot (every other Friday).  I am optimistic that it will soon be gone, but for now, it's still something I'm dealing with.  I do still have to have another colonoscopy as they discovered a section of dysplasia (pre-cancerous cells) and want to determine how large the area is.  This can be done by injecting a dye at the time of the colonoscopy which to me, seems a lot safer than doing hundreds of biopsies and potentially increase the chance of bleeding.  At this time I'm waiting for my GI to call me but expect that I will be having it in the next few months. 

I'm still taking the narcotics, and my primary care would like me to continue until the end of February and then depending on the pain level start to ween me off. Since I've been on them since July, the weening process is going to be long, about a month long.  This will ensure the reduction or hopefully elimination of any side effects and make it a seamless process per se. I am ready for the narcotics to not be part of my every day life.  While a lot of people don't understand how I can function while I'm on them, they don't understand that for someone like me, who is truly and legimitately in pain, the 'high'  feeling that everyone wants from these drugs does not happen to me...because, horror of horrors!!! I am actually in pain :) 

I have my naturopathic doctor appointment the first week of Feb and I am really looking forward to this.  I am going to be heavy metal tested as well as tested for all subset viruses of lyme disease as well as other autoimmune disorders to see what naturally, I could be doing better. What I could be eating or taking (vitamins) that can make my body be more in balance. 

With all this in mind, I am going to sign up for a 5k in April with the hope that I will be able to participate. When I say participate, it doesn't necessarily mean run but walk.  I've got to get more active, get that adrenaline punch that makes me happy and keeps me going.....

Mushies...

For those of you that know me, I mean really know me, you know that sometimes I can be mushy but most of the time I am not.  However, I feel like being mushy right now. One of the things that I've recently had to accept was that I can not go through this illness process alone.  Years ago I had accepted the opposite fact, the fact that I may be alone in this process, and that I needed to be a strong independent woman to do this. I can't be upset, or cry, or whine about the days when it hurts.  But, as time has passed, I've realized this is more and more NOT TRUE and to be honest, is really not good for your emotional well-being and your interactions with your friends and family !
I'm lucky to say that I've found someone who is there to pick me up when I fall, to console me when I whine and don't feel good, and to be honest, just rub my back when I need it.  He has disrupted my world for the better, made me throw away the thoughts of full independence, and accepts that I am sick, will be sick for a long time, and may get really sick down the line. He has accepted this, and says he'll be there for me when I need him whatever it may be.  When we first started hanging out, I told him about my illness. I told him that it's not glamorous, it's not pretty, it's not something we talk about in great detail but that it's something I will have for the rest of my life, and for now, it's under control. That was a couple years ago.
Enter, the journey into the medical mystery and this past year.  And while all the medical mystery is going on, our relationship was getting more intense.  I sat down one day and realized that, and it made a tear come to my eye. He was there for me when it was bad. He helped me up off the couch, he asked me if I needed anything, he cleaned up my puke from the bathroom...all of it. With no grumbles, or strange comments, or an irritated air. He did it with love in his eyes and in his heart. And my walls, my walls of fear and loneliness and the wish for something better, and someone better to be there for me, crashed down.  They crashed down hard ! I cried for a while in realizing this, and when I came out of the piles of snotty tissues, I was a better person.  I'm a better person because of him and his acceptance of me, all of me, and all that doesn't work with me.
I love you baby. XOXOXO